Sunlight
It has been ten years. Ten years lost. I felt the scar that was permanently etched into my forehead, the jagged bumps raised as I ran my fingers over it. I remembered the rush of the car running into mine, the feeling of losing myself as my seatbelt had broken off, snapped and flung into the air. My body propelled through the glass, the sharp broken pieces pierced into my body, blood trickled down every surface. Then, like a bad movie, I remembered hitting the floor miles away from my damaged car, and then nothing.
I had woken up to my mother smiling, not just a regular smile, but a smile that had stretched from one ear to the other. The room was bright, with white lights that shined in my eyes like headlights in the middle of the night. Tears started to pour out of her eyes as she grabbed me with her smooth hands that seemed unfamiliar when she first touched me. Something sweet started to fill my nose, what was it? Flowers, it smelled faint, but strong enough to have brought back a familiar feeling of warmth. I started to hear commotions, people rushed into my room screaming, “I can’t believe she woke up!”
Leaving the hospital was a memory worth remembering. I recorded everything that was happening around me. I walked out of the sliding doors and felt the suns rays hit my skin, it was hot, hot beams that made its way throughout my entire body. It was bright, forcing me to squint my eyes, hard to see through the light that covered the world like a blanket. I could see things vividly, the bright greens on the leaves shot out and the rainbow of cars lined up in the parking lot. Then I saw something that was unfamiliar. It was a field filled with nothing but a few flowers. Something took over my body, something wanted me to run, and so I did.
I felt the breeze hit me, a wind tunnel with warm air pushing against my skin. I reached the edge of the field where green grass met the gray pavement. I kicked off the blue shoes that were suffocating my feet and ripped off my jacket as I made a dash into the unknown. I stepped over the line of safety and felt the sharp yet soft grass hit the soles of my feet; I felt it make its way through my toes. I saw the flowers, the dandelions and sunflowers that gave life to the world. They took over the insides of my body, filled it with the smell of sweet life blossoming. I collapsed to the ground; I had hit the earth and barely made a dent. I felt the indent of my body into the dirt beneath me. The grass took me, engulfed me into the earth, blooming me to let me enjoy life once again. The sun gave me energy as the warm rays hit my face and I smiled. I smiled for hours as I laid there.
Something was wrong, something wasn’t right. The world just disappeared and it was black again. I was stuck in this world of emptiness and it was all just a dream.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Villanelle for a not so special occasion
Hospitals
Never have I seen a more extraordinary place,
never have I been more shocked to see,
never will there be a more shocking space.
There are those that linger through with grace,
watching over a place like a dead sea.
Never have I seen a place with a kinder embrace.
The ones that have passed away now travel through a race,
running through the halls and not a person can see.
Never will there be a more shocking space.
There are the ones that stand by in sickness waiting for a blessing grace,
from someone above or someone willing to help them be.
Never have I seen a place with a kinder embrace.
However there will be the ones that are not so lucky in this place,
the ones not as fortunate than some that survive for another day to see.
Never will there be a more shocking space.
One must hope that in this space,
people all find the survival key.
Never have I seen a place with a kinder embrace.
Never will there be a more shocking space.
Never have I seen a more extraordinary place,
never have I been more shocked to see,
never will there be a more shocking space.
There are those that linger through with grace,
watching over a place like a dead sea.
Never have I seen a place with a kinder embrace.
The ones that have passed away now travel through a race,
running through the halls and not a person can see.
Never will there be a more shocking space.
There are the ones that stand by in sickness waiting for a blessing grace,
from someone above or someone willing to help them be.
Never have I seen a place with a kinder embrace.
However there will be the ones that are not so lucky in this place,
the ones not as fortunate than some that survive for another day to see.
Never will there be a more shocking space.
One must hope that in this space,
people all find the survival key.
Never have I seen a place with a kinder embrace.
Never will there be a more shocking space.
Monday, October 24, 2011
new perspectives
Date Night
It’s been marked in history that Friday night is date night, but whoever made that rule should dig a hole and rot in it. It’s not that it’s hard to find a date; it’s more of the obligation that drives me nuts. But in all honesty, sitting at home alone and knowing everyone else is out finding love just drives me crazy.
Which I guess is what drove me to this terribly awkward situation -- a blind date. Now, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be but no one ever gave me the guidelines as to what to do when the date is over. Where are those rules when I need them?
“Well I had a great time, thanks again for not getting upset when I spilled the drink all over your pants.”
“Oh, it was no problem. I mean we all have our moments.”
“But still thanks again! I guess I should leave now, it is getting late.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll walk you to your door.”
When he got out of the car I just kept thinking to myself, I really do not know anything about this guy. Other than some simple things such as the fact that he can’t keep a car clean, there’s old food wrappers everywhere, a person would think he would have had the decency to clean up when he’s about to take a girl out on a date.
He reached for the car handle and I stepped out of the car and started to head to my front door. Now this is the dreadful moment that I hoped would never have come. I took my time with him by my side, walked around the lawn on the stone path that led up my drive way, checked to see if the roses were blooming by the front porch, and walked slowly up the steps listening to the creaks of each step as every silent moment ticked by.
“Well here we are,” I looked at him only to realize I started staring without realizing it.
“Yes, here we are. We should do this again sometime, I had a great time with you, and I would love to get to know you better. Let’s do this again next weekend.”
“Uhhh… sure.”
Oh dear lord, really? This is the torture that I must be put through? I looked up and smiled shyly at his face that had started coming towards mine. What did he think would happen from this one date? His eyes were closed, which forced him to not be able to see the painful reaction that has taken over my expression; I had roughly 5 seconds before I faced his pruney, perched lips that soon devoured my face.
“Perfect then! I’ll pick you up at seven, on Friday!”
“Um, yeah, that will be great…”
Finally, he turned around and headed back to his car. The only thought that ran through my head was that I really had to learn how to say no to people.
Date Night
I didn’t think it was possible for people to actually find their “true loves” off of a single blind date; however, I think this might have turned me into a believer. She was a friend of a friend, I was hesitant to go at first, sure, but who wouldn’t be? I guess it was the thought that it was a Friday night and I had nothing else to do.
“Well I had a great time, thanks again for not getting upset when I spilled the drink all over your pants.”
“Oh, it was no problem. I mean we all have our moments.”
“But still thanks again! I guess I should leave now, it is getting late.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll walk you to your door.”
I walked around the front of the car and made my way to her side, I turned my head and secretly checked my breath. What am I kidding I didn’t have to do that, I mean I know I don’t smell, she’s been all over me all night. Plus it’s obvious that
she’s just as into me as I am with her, after that date, who wouldn’t be into me?
“Well here we are.”
“Yes, here we are. We should do this again sometime, I had a great time with you, and I would love to get to know you better. Let’s do this again next weekend.”
“Uhhh… sure.”
She was basically begging to go on another date. If anything, I would be doing her a favor by graciously giving her my presence for another one. I could tell by her expression that she really wanted a kiss; I didn’t blame her because I would want a kiss from a guy like me also. I just slowly leaned in and gave her a big kiss; I could feel her holding onto me for as long as possible, she basically hoped that I wouldn’t back off.
“Perfect then! I’ll pick you up at seven, on Friday!”
“Um, yeah, that will be great…”
I turned around and headed for my car, the only thought that ran through my mind was how I just gave her the best damn night of her life.
It’s been marked in history that Friday night is date night, but whoever made that rule should dig a hole and rot in it. It’s not that it’s hard to find a date; it’s more of the obligation that drives me nuts. But in all honesty, sitting at home alone and knowing everyone else is out finding love just drives me crazy.
Which I guess is what drove me to this terribly awkward situation -- a blind date. Now, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be but no one ever gave me the guidelines as to what to do when the date is over. Where are those rules when I need them?
“Well I had a great time, thanks again for not getting upset when I spilled the drink all over your pants.”
“Oh, it was no problem. I mean we all have our moments.”
“But still thanks again! I guess I should leave now, it is getting late.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll walk you to your door.”
When he got out of the car I just kept thinking to myself, I really do not know anything about this guy. Other than some simple things such as the fact that he can’t keep a car clean, there’s old food wrappers everywhere, a person would think he would have had the decency to clean up when he’s about to take a girl out on a date.
He reached for the car handle and I stepped out of the car and started to head to my front door. Now this is the dreadful moment that I hoped would never have come. I took my time with him by my side, walked around the lawn on the stone path that led up my drive way, checked to see if the roses were blooming by the front porch, and walked slowly up the steps listening to the creaks of each step as every silent moment ticked by.
“Well here we are,” I looked at him only to realize I started staring without realizing it.
“Yes, here we are. We should do this again sometime, I had a great time with you, and I would love to get to know you better. Let’s do this again next weekend.”
“Uhhh… sure.”
Oh dear lord, really? This is the torture that I must be put through? I looked up and smiled shyly at his face that had started coming towards mine. What did he think would happen from this one date? His eyes were closed, which forced him to not be able to see the painful reaction that has taken over my expression; I had roughly 5 seconds before I faced his pruney, perched lips that soon devoured my face.
“Perfect then! I’ll pick you up at seven, on Friday!”
“Um, yeah, that will be great…”
Finally, he turned around and headed back to his car. The only thought that ran through my head was that I really had to learn how to say no to people.
Date Night
I didn’t think it was possible for people to actually find their “true loves” off of a single blind date; however, I think this might have turned me into a believer. She was a friend of a friend, I was hesitant to go at first, sure, but who wouldn’t be? I guess it was the thought that it was a Friday night and I had nothing else to do.
“Well I had a great time, thanks again for not getting upset when I spilled the drink all over your pants.”
“Oh, it was no problem. I mean we all have our moments.”
“But still thanks again! I guess I should leave now, it is getting late.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll walk you to your door.”
I walked around the front of the car and made my way to her side, I turned my head and secretly checked my breath. What am I kidding I didn’t have to do that, I mean I know I don’t smell, she’s been all over me all night. Plus it’s obvious that
she’s just as into me as I am with her, after that date, who wouldn’t be into me?
“Well here we are.”
“Yes, here we are. We should do this again sometime, I had a great time with you, and I would love to get to know you better. Let’s do this again next weekend.”
“Uhhh… sure.”
She was basically begging to go on another date. If anything, I would be doing her a favor by graciously giving her my presence for another one. I could tell by her expression that she really wanted a kiss; I didn’t blame her because I would want a kiss from a guy like me also. I just slowly leaned in and gave her a big kiss; I could feel her holding onto me for as long as possible, she basically hoped that I wouldn’t back off.
“Perfect then! I’ll pick you up at seven, on Friday!”
“Um, yeah, that will be great…”
I turned around and headed for my car, the only thought that ran through my mind was how I just gave her the best damn night of her life.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Familiarity
The Goodbye
He was young. Young and naïve, nowhere near ready to leave. I could count the amount of times he has changed his mind: chicken or steak for dinner, chocolate or vanilla ice cream, blue or green shirt. How could he make up his mind about something this drastic, this life changing?
“I know what you’re thinking. I know you think I’m too young.”
“I only worry for you, I don’t think you’re ready for this.”
“You have to stop worrying about me, it’s time to let me go, I can make my own decisions now.”
“What if…” tears start running down my cheeks as he reaches over to wipe them away.
“Mom, I’ll be fine, I’ll be back before you know it, set the table for me and I’ll be sitting there for Thanksgiving like I never left.”
We stood in the silent base with families all around us and, I look at him for a moment, “Do you remember that day I took you to the sunflower field?”
Chuckling, “Yes, I do.”
“You rode that bike all around. Eight years old and so full of energy, you were able to ride for hours, and when it started to get dark I would let you ride home as I chased after you. And when we finally made it home you would wait for dinner to be ready and sit right across from Dad,” I started to smile and thought to myself about how he hoped one day to grow as old as his dad was, to have a family and live what I was able to experience. How can he do that if he leaves and never comes back?
“That was a great day mom, twelve years ago and it still seems like it was just yesterday.”
“Well, now look at you, I barely recognize you anymore! All grown up, only thing that will always be there is that little birthmark you have right there,” I touched the skin right under his left ear, “That’s how I’ll know that you’re my boy.”
I start to look around, hoping to remember everything about this moment. His hair is gone, cut short during boot camp, he had lost weight, and grew muscles that were never there before. He’s a new man, different than the boy I knew. He still has the birthmark under his left ear, a darker spot than his normal skin tone. It was something familiar, something for me to recognize him by no matter what changes he goes through.
“You’re being deported to Afghanistan for a year Jake! That’s a really long time.”
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll dodge bullets, I’ll stay hidden, and I’ll do whatever you want me to do to believe I will be fine.”
“That’s not the point sweetheart, it’s dangerous over there, it’s not like you’re in boot camp anymore once you step onto their land. It’ll be real guns, and real people dying around you…” the Captain cut me off.
“Soldier Martin!” the Captain ordered him, “time to head out.”
“Sir, yes, sir.”
He turns to me, “Okay, this is it. It’s time for me to leave.”
“Come here,” I reach over for a hug.
“Mom, I’ll be back, this isn’t going to be the last time you see me!”
Tears start to form, as if I was unable to control my own body, I held onto my boy as tight as possible, hoping this would keep him from leaving.
“When I leave, you better stop all of this crying! I can’t leave knowing the most important woman in my life is crying all of the time!”
“I know, I know, I just can't face the fact of losing you. But, don’t worry about me and worry about yourself more,” I managed a smile.
“Mom, I love you and I’ll see you at Thanksgiving, I’ll be back. I promise.”
“You better not just be saying that Jacob Martin to make your mom feel better. Send me letters everyday, and eat, ok? Do not forget to eat. But… most importantly…” I manage to scream to him from a distance, “stay safe ok?”
He smiles and turns around as he leaves with the rest of his troop; his stature of a man that I barely know now.
“I’ll see you soon…”
He was young. Young and naïve, nowhere near ready to leave. I could count the amount of times he has changed his mind: chicken or steak for dinner, chocolate or vanilla ice cream, blue or green shirt. How could he make up his mind about something this drastic, this life changing?
“I know what you’re thinking. I know you think I’m too young.”
“I only worry for you, I don’t think you’re ready for this.”
“You have to stop worrying about me, it’s time to let me go, I can make my own decisions now.”
“What if…” tears start running down my cheeks as he reaches over to wipe them away.
“Mom, I’ll be fine, I’ll be back before you know it, set the table for me and I’ll be sitting there for Thanksgiving like I never left.”
We stood in the silent base with families all around us and, I look at him for a moment, “Do you remember that day I took you to the sunflower field?”
Chuckling, “Yes, I do.”
“You rode that bike all around. Eight years old and so full of energy, you were able to ride for hours, and when it started to get dark I would let you ride home as I chased after you. And when we finally made it home you would wait for dinner to be ready and sit right across from Dad,” I started to smile and thought to myself about how he hoped one day to grow as old as his dad was, to have a family and live what I was able to experience. How can he do that if he leaves and never comes back?
“That was a great day mom, twelve years ago and it still seems like it was just yesterday.”
“Well, now look at you, I barely recognize you anymore! All grown up, only thing that will always be there is that little birthmark you have right there,” I touched the skin right under his left ear, “That’s how I’ll know that you’re my boy.”
I start to look around, hoping to remember everything about this moment. His hair is gone, cut short during boot camp, he had lost weight, and grew muscles that were never there before. He’s a new man, different than the boy I knew. He still has the birthmark under his left ear, a darker spot than his normal skin tone. It was something familiar, something for me to recognize him by no matter what changes he goes through.
“You’re being deported to Afghanistan for a year Jake! That’s a really long time.”
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll dodge bullets, I’ll stay hidden, and I’ll do whatever you want me to do to believe I will be fine.”
“That’s not the point sweetheart, it’s dangerous over there, it’s not like you’re in boot camp anymore once you step onto their land. It’ll be real guns, and real people dying around you…” the Captain cut me off.
“Soldier Martin!” the Captain ordered him, “time to head out.”
“Sir, yes, sir.”
He turns to me, “Okay, this is it. It’s time for me to leave.”
“Come here,” I reach over for a hug.
“Mom, I’ll be back, this isn’t going to be the last time you see me!”
Tears start to form, as if I was unable to control my own body, I held onto my boy as tight as possible, hoping this would keep him from leaving.
“When I leave, you better stop all of this crying! I can’t leave knowing the most important woman in my life is crying all of the time!”
“I know, I know, I just can't face the fact of losing you. But, don’t worry about me and worry about yourself more,” I managed a smile.
“Mom, I love you and I’ll see you at Thanksgiving, I’ll be back. I promise.”
“You better not just be saying that Jacob Martin to make your mom feel better. Send me letters everyday, and eat, ok? Do not forget to eat. But… most importantly…” I manage to scream to him from a distance, “stay safe ok?”
He smiles and turns around as he leaves with the rest of his troop; his stature of a man that I barely know now.
“I’ll see you soon…”
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Thursday, I don't care about you.
"It's Friday I'm in love..."
Is it bad that since the start of my Freshman year in college I have suddenly grew the need for weekends to come? Not just Thursdays (the mark of the weekend for many) but actual Friday. It's freedom from the papers and exams I have to take, but most importantly it's the time that I get to be with the people I love. I'm not just writing this to be cheesy and lovey-dovey but really, unlike many others out there, I actually enjoy being with my friends.
Well as usual I come back from class and sit in front of my laptop listening to music, and all of a sudden this song comes on. And it makes me so happy to hear it I jumped up from my seat and started screaming the lyrics (not enjoyable, I know, but entirely worth it). The only reason for this inspiration to write this blog is because readers out there in the interweb, tomorrow is Friday. Not just any Friday, but a weekend that I will be surrounded with people I do enjoy being around and have went through four years if not more with. And now I guess I should lead into my main reason for writing this: Katharine Rentz. (:
Best Friends since 3rd grade? If not sooner, boy oh boy I have basically grown up with her. Not only has she seen me at my worst, but she has seen me through my middle school years, and I'm being honest, who looks good in middle school ever? She has put up with me and most importantly she has literally been the shoulder available at all hours of the week for me to cry on. When I say literally I mean she really did sit there on the floor and let me cry on her shoulder. I remember it clearly and I have a bad memory guys, I had just found out my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me and she stayed up until the break of dawn to just hear me cry as we let the darkness of the room engulf us in. We have gone through our dumb moments as well: sledding with trashbags in the attempt that it would actually work, making bizarre food creations thinking we were the most amazing chefs to ever walk on the planet, making the princess show on videos (I still miss my precious dog), and there have been more that I am just incapable of thinking of right now. We have been through the phase of always riding bikes around and walking to places, until I got my license then it just all went downhill from there and physical activity was out of the question. Well anyways, I could go on and on about everything we have been through but the main point that I am trying to approach is...
My best friend is coming to visit me this weekend in good old Towson! (:
So for all of you reading this, "Thursday, I don't care about you. It's Friday I'm in love."
<3
Is it bad that since the start of my Freshman year in college I have suddenly grew the need for weekends to come? Not just Thursdays (the mark of the weekend for many) but actual Friday. It's freedom from the papers and exams I have to take, but most importantly it's the time that I get to be with the people I love. I'm not just writing this to be cheesy and lovey-dovey but really, unlike many others out there, I actually enjoy being with my friends.
Well as usual I come back from class and sit in front of my laptop listening to music, and all of a sudden this song comes on. And it makes me so happy to hear it I jumped up from my seat and started screaming the lyrics (not enjoyable, I know, but entirely worth it). The only reason for this inspiration to write this blog is because readers out there in the interweb, tomorrow is Friday. Not just any Friday, but a weekend that I will be surrounded with people I do enjoy being around and have went through four years if not more with. And now I guess I should lead into my main reason for writing this: Katharine Rentz. (:
Best Friends since 3rd grade? If not sooner, boy oh boy I have basically grown up with her. Not only has she seen me at my worst, but she has seen me through my middle school years, and I'm being honest, who looks good in middle school ever? She has put up with me and most importantly she has literally been the shoulder available at all hours of the week for me to cry on. When I say literally I mean she really did sit there on the floor and let me cry on her shoulder. I remember it clearly and I have a bad memory guys, I had just found out my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me and she stayed up until the break of dawn to just hear me cry as we let the darkness of the room engulf us in. We have gone through our dumb moments as well: sledding with trashbags in the attempt that it would actually work, making bizarre food creations thinking we were the most amazing chefs to ever walk on the planet, making the princess show on videos (I still miss my precious dog), and there have been more that I am just incapable of thinking of right now. We have been through the phase of always riding bikes around and walking to places, until I got my license then it just all went downhill from there and physical activity was out of the question. Well anyways, I could go on and on about everything we have been through but the main point that I am trying to approach is...
My best friend is coming to visit me this weekend in good old Towson! (:
So for all of you reading this, "Thursday, I don't care about you. It's Friday I'm in love."
<3
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